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:iconunseen-reality: More from Unseen-reality


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Poetry by 91816119

Literature by halcyonshores

writing by Hfeather53


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Submitted on
September 20, 2012
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771 bytes
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325 (1 today)
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18 (who?)
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25
×
i want you.
and those words purge
from my lips
like fluorescent moonbeams.

swollen eyes
are darker than they seem
and something was different
in the way you
looked
at me.

it's been a year or so
but the hymns of the air
conditioner
are painless.

and my tank top
is hinging onto your
collarbones
but i don't know
if the melody is on
key.

and ash is spilling
from your lips
even though your
mother
told you smoking is
a breeding ground for
cancer.

will your skeleton hands
smoke me?
here we go, romance time! *insert eye roll here*
C;
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:iconhalcyonshores:
halcyonshores Featured By Owner May 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Intriguing write with some wonderful line breaks.
Congrats on the DLD feature :rose:
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:iconunseen-reality:
Unseen-reality Featured By Owner May 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much lovely! :heart:
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:iconhalcyonshores:
halcyonshores Featured By Owner May 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You are so very welcome. :iconmypleasure:
Reply
:iconssensory:
ssensory Featured By Owner Feb 22, 2013   Writer
This is absolutely amazing. I've never read anything quite like this before...it's so interesting! I particularly like stanzas 5 and 6 because they go so well together and they stood out the most to me. This is just one great, amazing poem. Keep up the great work! :)
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:iconunseen-reality:
Unseen-reality Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
wow, thank you so so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconssensory:
ssensory Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013   Writer
You're welcome! :)
Reply
:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Congratulations on a well-deserved DLD!

I liked this, but I'm a little uncertain about the enjambment here -- "but the hymns of the air / conditioner / are painless". Is there a particular emphasis on "conditioner" for a reason? If not, I'd recommend reworking that section a little bit as it seems to confuse things.


I'm in love with the 5th and 6th stanzas in particular, they just read so smoothly.
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:iconunseen-reality:
Unseen-reality Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
alright, i understand your criticism. for the time being i'll leave it the way it is, because it gives some sort of casual feel to the poem. but i appreciate your words, thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome. :)

And... no worries, I don't expect people to run and change their work just because of my comments -- it's your work, it's much more important for you to weigh up my thoughts against your intentions etc on the poem, and general public view. :)
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013   Writer
Oh, and congratulations on the DLD feature! :icondownarrowplz:
Reply
:iconunseen-reality:
Unseen-reality Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you for the feedback! I appreciate it! :heart:
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2013   Writer
:iconyourewelcomesignplz:
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013   Writer
Great last two lines.
They make this piece more than "romance time," in my opinion. They're led up to gradually, then BOOM, there they are. Thank you.
Reply
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.

Keep writing and keep creating.
Reply
:iconunseen-reality:
Unseen-reality Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
woah, this was completely unexpected, thank you so much :heart:
Reply
:iconforestmeetwildfire:
forestmeetwildfire Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
i like the second stanza - it flows very nicely. :nod:
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:iconunseen-reality:
Unseen-reality Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you, that means a lot :rose:
Reply
:iconforestmeetwildfire:
forestmeetwildfire Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
you're welcome! :)
Reply
:iconl0ne-w0lf:
L0NE-W0lf Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2012
Your description is so sly and cunning. Nicely done!
Reply
:iconunseen-reality:
Unseen-reality Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
i'm glad you noticed that, thanks!
Reply
:iconl0ne-w0lf:
L0NE-W0lf Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2012
Welcome! :rose:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
ohmygosh. I could read your poems for the rest of my life, I think. This is romance done entirely new- dark and beautiful.
Those last two lines. ohmygosh.
Reply
:iconunseen-reality:
Unseen-reality Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
wow, thank you so so much! that really means a lot to me.
i really hope to avoid cliches, so i'm glad to hear i created something a bit different. :) :rose:
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's so... cryptic... *tries to pull it apart*...
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:iconunseen-reality:
Unseen-reality Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:D
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